We took a drive down to Long Island yesterday to see Stan. It’s very hard for me to see him like this but I try to hold it together for Seths sake. He now lies in bed all day long hooked up to an oxygen machine. He doesn’t really watch tv or read anymore. He has no appetite. All he wants to do is sleep. Bringing Lily there is good for him. She is a little ray of light that brightens up the room for him. I spent a lot of time in bed next to him talking with him and holding his hand. We talked about how he know that it’s hard for his family to let go but when the time comes he needs them to let go. He talked about Lily and he asked me if I thought she would remember him. We talked about eating steak which was our favorite thing to do together. He kept saying how warm he was. He liked holding my hands because my hands are always cold and they cool him down. We had to deal with his first hospice visit today. It was hard for everyone. When the hospice nurse started talking about giving him morphine and ativan Seth got upset as did I. He doesn’t want to be doped up. He wants to be aware. He is not in pain because he is already on a fentanyl patch. His breathing is labored but he breathes better with oxygen. He wants to be conscious. We want him to be conscious and for now he can be. He wants to go out fighting. I don’t like seeing him like this. It’s hard. Please send some love his way.